Come as you are by Emily Nagoski
Hello hello to the kingdom of Shelf Indulgence,
It has been a long time since we wrote to you. There is something about doing a task repeatedly that leads to a muddled sense of clarity on why we started it in the first place. As always, life happened. But there is just something about the book club that makes us come back to it and not give up. We have managed to create a space that brings so much warm and fuzzy feelings within us - and we are super proud of that!
To all those who are new to this space, welcome! It may seem like we’re a very (nerdy) enthusiastic group of friends but let me tell you - most of us didn’t known one another before being a part of Shelf Indulgence. A big props to our community for embracing and holding space for a shared sense of belonging. We see you and we love you.
As we kickstart this year with this exciting book (reading Spare by Prince Harry was just a guilty pleasure), we are excited to go back to sharing thoughts, ideas and feelings with one another.
This book has been a doozy and things might get deep.
So strap yourself - it is going to be a wild ride,
jk love,
Miti
About the book [taken from goodreads]:
An essential exploration of why and how women’s sexuality works—based on groundbreaking research and brain science—that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy.
Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a “pink pill” for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never exist—but as a result of the research that’s gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women’s sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all.
Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible.
And Emily Nagoski can prove it.
Concepts that stayed with us:
Tvisha:
Completing the stress cycle - going through the tunnel of emotions before experiencing the light.
Sexual accelerator and Brakes - a new and helpful language to understand our sexual experiences and communicate about what works for us.
Non-concordant arousal - trusting your thoughts and feelings rather than physiological responses.
Pleasure over orgasm - centering pleasure!
We are all the same and we are all different and we are all normal!
Miti:
Difference between Stress and stressors
How good sex goes beyond just desire
The concept of “physiological response” vs “what we are actually feeling”
The kinds of orgasms
Accelerators and brakes - creating context - this obviously goes beyond sexual contexts
Mindfulness and honestly I only understood the meaning of mindfulness now…
Questions that arose:
What did you think about the book?
We had a mixed bag reaction to the book. Some of us found it boring and textbook-y, while others were mind blown by some facts and some things we learned about our own bodies or our partners. The examples felt a bit disjointed but we agreed that Emily made her point very clear and based on our discussion it was acknowledged that the message was received - LOUD AND CLEAR.
It was unanimous in understanding that this book was a marriage of self-help, science, inspiration, and psychology. And a lot of metaphors!
What was your favorite part of the book?
We appreciated how Nagoski repeatedly reminded the reader about - How it is normal to be the way we are again and again. After doubting ourselves for years, it was nice to read relatable examples to our own life and knowing they are normal. There was a lot of myth-busting in this book. For those of us, especially in India, our source of information about sex and sexuality has been our friends, media, and our culture. For a country, that refuses to acknowledge that sex exists and pleasure is just a by-product rather than the main goal of having sex, we have internalised so many messages in our bodies.
This book gave us language/terminology to understand ourselves, assess how we feel about it and then figuring out how to work around it.
What surprised you most about the book?
A. That sex is not a drive - we are not going to die if we don’t have sex.
B. Being self-aware is great but it doesn’t help bring joy. It is not about how you feel, it is about how you feel about how you feel.
C. Sex is not a skill. It can be whatever you want it to be. The prospect of finding that out can be daunting but also a deeper journey within oneself.
D. Sometimes we are made to expect that it is supposed to happen so quickly but it may take longer for you.
E. Sex can be a deeply intense experience. It can also be about taking bodily cues from your partner, like bodies in synergy.
Closing thoughts:
Sex is not a skill. It is an experience. Our bodies store so much messaging without us really knowing it is there. Emily Nagoski gives us a lot to think about - right from working on our inner self, to working with our partners, to understanding the external factors that might hinder us from being vulnerable. It is about the right context in a safe positive environment and there are no right answers to what that could mean.
This book can be a tough sell for those who might feel overwhelmed to think about the numerous possibilities that this book brings. But we all agreed that we go back with a little nugget of knowledge and understanding of our own selves.
UP NEXT: Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin
In this exhilarating novel, two friends--often in love, but never lovers--come together as creative partners in the world of video game design, where success brings them fame, joy, tragedy, duplicity, and, ultimately, a kind of immortality.
Date: Saturday, August 5, 2023, 7:30-9PM IST.
P.S. If you’re interested in being a part of Shelf Indulgence, write to us!