Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman
Vol #12
Happy January!
I saw several memes in these past 15 days that repeated the same unenthusiastic/bleak/tiresome message of living through another year of pandemic. While I don’t share the same sentiments, I have been in and out of quarantine for the past 20 days because everyone around me is testing positive.
It is odd to start the new year in isolation. But I appreciated the simple-ness of it. Before 20 days, I was stressing about 3 weddings I had to attend before my own, but the pandemic proved once again that everything is constantly changing. And I think by the third wave I would’ve adjusted to the idea of everything being variable but it hits me as a new feeling every. single. time.
All this is to say that one thing has been constant through my last two years and that is - reading and our book club meetings. I am grateful for this groups simple-ness. I realised that by making it low stakes, online, and approachable we have unlocked a way to stay connected and make friends across borders (state borders lol).
Thank you for sticking around. Tvisha and I are always excited to see how each discussion will turn out and we CANNOT WAIT for this one!
Love,
Miti
About the book [taken from goodreads]:
A close friendship is one of the most influential and important relationships a human life can contain. Anyone will tell you that! But for all the rosy sentiments surrounding friendship, most people don’t talk much about what it really takes to stay close for the long haul.
Now two friends, Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, tell the story of their equally messy and life-affirming Big Friendship in this honest and hilarious book that chronicles their first decade in one another’s lives. As the hosts of the hit podcast Call Your Girlfriend, they’ve become known for frank and intimate conversations. In this book, they bring that energy to their own friendship—its joys and its pitfalls.
An inspiring and entertaining testament to the power of society’s most underappreciated relationship, Big Friendship will invite you to think about how your own bonds are formed, challenged, and preserved. It is a call to value your friendships in all of their complexity. Actively choose them. And, sometimes, fight for them.
Memorable Quotes:
If you prioritize only your romantic relationships, who is going to hold your hand through a breakup? Relying on your spouse to be your everything will definitely undo your marriage. No one human can meet your every single emotional need. If you only prioritize your kids, what happens when they’re grown and living far away, wrapped up in their own lives? Or if you only prioritize work? Wow, that’s too sad to even contemplate.
At a cultural level, there is a lot of lip service about friendship being wonderful and important, but not a lot of social support for protecting what’s precious about it. Even deep, lasting friendships like ours need protection—and, sometimes, repair.
For people of color, some aspect of friendship with white people involves an awareness that you could be dropped through a trapdoor of racism at any moment, by a slip of tongue, or at a campus party, or in a legislative campaign.
If you’re not communicating well, the internet offers dozens and dozens of tiny ways you can misinterpret each other.
(Many) Questions that arose:
What did you think about your friendships after reading this book?
Any revelations that came to you?
What did you think about the format and voice of the book?
We hear over and over again that the older you get, the harder it is to make friends and deepen new friendships. Why do you think that’s such a common belief? Has it been true in your own life?
How do you practice Shine Theory? Do the strategies in this book ring true to your experience, or has it looked different in your own life? Have you ever practiced Shine Theory with a member of this group? [THIS ECHOES TO OUR DISCUSSION ABOUT OMANA]
What do we think about Big Friendships predominantly being a part of female friendships?
How has the pandemic affected your friendships?
What are some of the differences between how your friendships appear to others and how they feel on the inside?
Have you ever made the mistake of seeing a friend’s social media update and assuming you’re all caught up on that friend’s life? [NEED TO DISCUSS THIS!!!!!]
“Stretching” is a metaphor for the ways we extend ourselves to keep a friendship strong through challenges and changes. Talk about one time you have stretched for a friend, and one time a friend has stretched for you.
How have you navigated friendships that cross deep differences in identity like race, gender, sexuality, and class? Have you ever felt dropped through the “trapdoor”?
Describe a ritual you have in one of your Big Friendships. Describe a new ritual you would like to start.
Important Links:
Last month’s Recap: Our November read was Annihilation of Caste by Dr. B.R. Ambedkar. Tvisha has put together a newsletter to highlight some points that we discussed in the meeting [the email should be in your inbox!] and Miti has put together a glimpse into the discussion here.
Currently Reading: Miti is currently reading Circe by Madeline Miller and it has echoes of our favorite book club read The House on Cerulean Sea - so I am VERY excited to read it. Tvisha has been reading Anxious People, unexpectedly comical and deep.
FRIENDLY Reminder, Our theme for the first three months of 2022 is Friendship.
SHELF INDULGENCE PICKS:
January: Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close
February: So Long A Letter
March: Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe
Lots of love,
Miti and Tvisha
P.S. If you’re interested in being a part of Shelf Indulgence, write to us!